matpazcas

Dryden's Sex Puppet?

2007-01-15T06:00:16Z

Hmm ...

The holidays were great! I put on 6.5 lbs in one month. The weather was beautiful, the family was fun and the food was delicious. Good times.

I guess I should start by wishing all the readers 'Happy New Year' although we're entering the third week of 2007 and it's not all that new anymore. I miss 2006 already. I enjoyed 2006 - a lot happened.

I can't remember all the things I blogged about, so I'm gonna do a summary of the major events:

1. The year didn't start out so well; I had a relapse over Christmas and was really sick. I eventually ended up getting additional surgery and spending several weeks in the hospital.
2. Tony and I had a MASSIVE fight and didn't speak for almost two months [the longest we've gone without speaking since I've known him].
3. I was hurt and frustrated that I was healing so slowly, I was scared because I was so sick, I was disgusted with my surgical scars, I was stupid and selfish and cheated on Dryden and he dumped me. I convinced myself it was for the best because Dryden is the most amazing person in existence and I thought he deserved better than a fucked up, continually ill boyfriend.
4. My laptop got jacked over the summer :(

Reading all that, 2006 doesn't seem all that great, but it was.

1. I appreciate my health in such a way that I would have been completely unable to had I not been sick. I am also capable of being a much more empathetic person to others after experiencing what it's like to be so vulnerable and dependent on others. I realized how truly wonderful my friends and family are - caring, understanding; they are an incredible support system. I love them so much and value everything they have done for me.
2. Tony is the closest person to me in this world. Our friendship is ... ridiculous. The capacity of my feelings for him are unparalleled.
3. Dryden ... I can't explain how deeply I want him, need him, love him. It's like a physical ache in my chest. He makes me feel like an undeserving asshole and the king of the world all at the same time. I've been dumb. It's taken me an excessively long amount of time to realize something so simple: I want him to be mine. I don't want anyone else because no one else can make me feel the way he does. [Before you all start cheering, we're not back together (sorry Michael). We're just talking and that's fine. Now that he's aware of my issues and knows firsthand all my problems, it's no surprise that he wants time. I'm not going to pressure him; I'll give him anything he wants.]
4. I still miss my old laptop and I randomly get depressed when I think about all the work I lost. BUT, the experience helped me go from only being a little anal retentive and slightly neurotic, to extremely OCD about security.

So, all in all, 2006 was a real growth experience and I truly believe I'm a much better person [although still far from perfect]. I've developed more patience, I learned that it's not a big deal to admit you're wrong, and I've found an inner calm. It's nice.

This is completely off-topic, but I got an email asking me to join something [not sure what]. I thought it was spam, except the email was addressed to 'Dryden's sex puppet'. Hmm ... So, I'm guessing it must be from someone who knows something about me.

I don't do New Years' Resolutions because I think they are unnecessary. The only thing I want in 2007 is really simple: to stay happy.

-Matt

No Hay Igual

2006-12-22T06:30:27Z

Okay, I LOVE Nelly Furtado's new album. I thought 'Promiscuous' was the shit, but after hearing 'No hay igual' I'm not sure which I like more ['Say it right' is also very nice].

I'm back home right now. I bought a new camera [7.1 mega pixel Canon powershot] and I've taken hundreds of photos of my niece in three days. She's just so sweet and adorable and beautiful. I'm completely in love with her. She's the most incredible baby EVER! I'm not just saying that cause she's family, she really is. She turned one late last month. She's just started walking shakily on her chubby little legs and she makes the cutest noises [she can't talk just yet] - I just wanna gobble her up! I know I'm starting to sound crazy, but you have to see her to understand - her eyes, her smile, she's just a precious little charmer.

So, Tony is flying in tonight [he should get here in about 45 min - I called him at the airport]. He's spending Christmas with my family and it's gonna be awesome. I saw him four days ago and I've talked to him everyday since, but I still feel excited to see him.

Thanks to everyone who thinks I'm worthy of Dryden. I feel like I totally don't deserve him, but that won't stop me from pursuing him.

I've gotten some weird feedback about problems with the layout of the new site. I'll try and fix whatever's wrong.

I know this is highly unusual, but I haven't been able to get a hold of my editor. So, editor, if you're reading this, check your email.

I've been eating non-stop since getting home. There's just something about my mom's phenomenal cooking; she could make an anorexic fat and I'm no anorexic.

Not sure if I'll have time to update again before Christmas, so if not, then I just wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

-Matt

Sup, Matt?

2006-12-16T08:32:52Z

Hey boys and girls,

I've been SO extremely busy with real life that I've hardly had time to write. That being said, I'm working on a new story and I've decided to undertake an exercise in discipline by updating chapters weekly. I want to try and post on a schedule. I'll keep you all informed on how that works.

In other news, I changed my website design again. It's all in green - my FAVORITE color! I love green. Something about it just makes me happy.

Dryden and I are talking again. We went out to dinner tonight. It went okay. At the end of our date, I tried to kiss him, but he wouldn't let me. I leaned in and he pulled back. He dissed me HARD , but that's okay. I'm willing to suffer to get him back.

I was watching 'Lucky Number Slevin' the other day [I really like that movie] and I'm always amazed at how hot Josh Hartnett looks in the film. He's one hot killer.

I should be updating everything else in the new year. Prolly 'Unrequited' will be first.

-Matt

No words

2006-11-11T07:03:56Z

I'm ... something.

I wanna see if I can get through this whole blog without saying it.

I have to get up at 10 am tomorrow. I'm real mad about that. I hate having to do stuff on Saturdays.

I was hit on by a gross bouncer tonight. He was really determined - he gets points for persistance. But he was also gross.

I hope my head doesn't hurt tomorrow. I HATE headaches. They're so annoying.

I wrote the first page of GP 12 today. I got inspired at work.

That's it for now. Happy Friday, All. :)

... About fucking time, Matt.

2006-11-07T18:26:05Z

I don't really have anything to update about. It's just been a while so I thought I should at least write SOMETHING.

I guess I could tell you all the random things going on in my life, but I have a feeling that isn't why you guys come here. You come for the stories, stories I haven't been writing. I think I'm tapped, creative juice and all that. And I don't really feel like working on the stories I have right now.

So, any suggestions? I don't even know what kind of stories my readers especially like. Would you guys read a story that was romance, but didn't contain any actual sex scenes?

Did I mention that I'm doing the whole celibacy thing right now? All my friends scoff at my admission and roll their eyes. I can almost here them thinking that this is another bullshit phase of mine. They're prolly right, but it's so much work doing the whole "relationship" bit so I've decided to give up [or at least take a break].

I've gotta admit, I feel pretty dull right now. All I do is work. And hang out with friends. And watch Battlestar Galactica [best fucking show ever!]. Btw, I was wondering, does it bother people that I cuss so much in my blog?

I wonder what I'm doing with my life ... nothing really.

My baby niece has four teeth [just thought I'd throw that in there].

This post is rambling in the extreme, but like I said earlier, I don't really have anything to say. I'm changing. I can feel adulthood creeping in and I'm powerless to stop it. Not sure I want to.

I think I'm just drained. I'm used to being filled with tons of nervous energy screaming to escape. Nowadays, I'm just going through the motions. Caffeine pills in the morning, sleeping pills at night. Painkillers in between.

Finally, an update.

2006-10-14T19:13:16Z

GP chapter eleven is up. You can find it at http://www.geocities.com/matpazcas/ Many thanks to my editor, Luce.

I'm started to get sick of the look of my website. I wanna change it. Any ideas?

Was at the movies last night. Saw the 'Casino Royale' trailer. I only have ONE question: why is Daniel Craig so hot?? Why??

I'm so stoked about the new season of Battlestar Galactica. The season premier was insane. Anyone who wants to talk about the show - discuss recaps, make predictions, dissect the plot, do character analyses - feel free to email me and we can talk about it. Seriously. THAT'S how much I love the show.

Thats it for now.

Enjoy the chapter.

Oookay

2006-10-10T17:44:36Z

Hmm.

Lucy, my dear, I can't figure out what happened to your email address. I can't seem to find it. I was going to email you the chapter. Not sure what's going on there.

I ended up just getting rid of the last two pages of the chapter. I didn't like them. They didn't flow. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, if it's ready to be posted or not, but judging from the number of emails I've been getting recently, I'm guessing people are tired of waiting.

I don't know if I mentioned this or not, but I'm away on a mini-vacation right now. Visiting Tony. Just hanging out. And I'm having to overwhelming urge [AGAIN] to mention how awesome he is. I just can't believe that I'm lucky enough to know someone so amazing, and to have them be a part of my life.

Anyway, now that that's out of my system ...

Lucy: it would be great if you could email me with your email so I can send you the thing.

I feel really sluggish today. 'Don't wanna do nothing'. Just lay here. Typing in short sentences and enjoying doing nothing.

Brit films

2006-10-09T07:49:43Z

Ever notice how British crime films contain a gritty-chic aesthetic quality that American movies lack [i.e. 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels', 'Snatch', 'Revolver' etc. - hey, I just realized those are all Guy Ritchie movies]?

Anyway, I like this rather elusive element. I just saw 'Layer Cake' and I liked it because it contained it. I also liked Daniel Craig. A lot.

Yeah, he's ugly. He has odd, coarse features that roughen his face and make it terribly uneven. And that blond hair is kinda random. But he's also hot. Incredibly hot.

Sexy accent. Beautiful eyes. Gorgeous body.

I was totally turned on during the movie because of him.

That's it. Nothing else to report. I just thought I'd share.

Oh, wait. My re-write of GP 11 is complete, but there's something missing ... not sure what, but I'm not happy with the chapter yet. There's a lot of Ollie and Brick in this one - readers wanted more of the budding couple so I gave it to them.

I'm gonna go jack off while thinking about Daniel Craig now. G'night.

My Chest Hurts

2006-10-01T07:05:49Z

So, I got an email [from the poster of the "fuck you" comment in one of my entries], and debated whether or not to respond. Then I decided to respond in my blog to pre-empt any future need to address any of these issues again with other readers/posters:

"Lol...I was going to add this comment in your blog but I thought it was going to get past a joke really quickly."
-Since I don’t particularly enjoy being deliberately provoked, I’m glad you decided not to engage in such pointless childish behavior.

"I was going to keep posting and let you keep deleting but then I would probably tire of it before long and you would get too pissed off and then you wouldn't keep your blog."
-A good call on your part.

In all seriousness, don't read the blog anymore. Last year, I probably would have been more tolerant/concerned/indulgent with reader opinions, but that's no longer the case. I don't even feel the need to defend myself.

I write for free on the internet. I don't owe anyone any explanations and I honestly don't give a fuck what anyone thinks.

If you find yourself upset/offended/disturbed by the contents of my blog or stories, then don't read. Just don't fucking read. And don't fucking email me. I don't want to hear from you. And I'm not going to change my stories or my entries to appease you, so you're only wasting your time and using up space in my inbox.

I realize this entry has a slightly acerbic tone, bordering on vitriolic, and it's probably just because I'm writing it so late and I'm tired. I let you all into my life. I expose my flaws and open myself up to criticism. I admit my mistakes with unmitigating honesty. No big deal - I'm doing it willingly.

That doesn't give anyone the right to judge/insult/verbally attack me. And since its MY blog I won't allow it. So there you have it.

-Matt

I'm A Tyrant

2006-09-29T13:43:48Z

Yup, that's right.

I'm a fucking tyrant. *Matt sticks out his tongue and says na-na na-na nah nah*

So, more stuff has gone down with Caleb and me:

I didn't apologize. I didn't do anything. I knew I would have to see him eventually because we live together, so I decided to wait things out.

Sure enough I did see him. But, I don't like the way it happened. My friend [who happens to live accross the hall from Caleb] and I went out for drinks, and then when we came back, he wanted to show me something at his place. When we got to his hallway, instead of going into his apartment, he went and knocked on Caleb's door.

I was like, "What the fuck are you doing?" but it was too late. Caleb answered the door and saw me.

As encounters go, it was pretty non-traumatic, but Caleb was acting totally hostile and that sort of bothered me. So later, as I was leaving my friend's place, I decided to knock on his door again before heading home.

He answered and gave me sort of a dirty look, prompting me to ask, "We're cool, right?"

He said, "Yes." But he was obviously lying.

After that I left because there was really nothing else for me to say.

The next day [which, incidentally, was today], I saw him in the lobby of the building. I tried to ignore/avoid him, but he saw me. He said, "Hi" and I said nothing. There was an awkward silence, after which he said, "I had a lot of work to do last night."

I'm guessing that's meant to be some sort of explaination for him acting like an ass, so I just said, "Okay." and left.

My friend is having a party tonight. I know he's going to be there. I still think he's totally, unbelievably hot, so I haven't decided yet how I'm going to behave if I see him ...

I Forgot

2006-09-29T00:58:45Z

Btw, to the poster talking about "assault charges" ... you need to get out more, dude. I love haters.

-Matt

Persuasions: Gentle or Not?

2006-09-28T15:19:49Z

So, I started re-writing GP 11. I haven't really been able to write since my laptop got stolen.

But, I got an email the other day from a reader named 'Amanda' and it just propelled me to start writing again.

I'll be done soon, and when I am, I'll send Amanda the chapter to see what she thinks.

Gut Wrench

2006-09-25T20:15:17Z

So ... yeah. I fucked around with Caleb. Even after I swore I wouldn't do this again. Even after I promised myself that I wasn't going to pull shit like that again, I went and did it anyway.

I was really shit faced, but being drunk isn't a good enough excuse as far as I'm concerned.

Like, now, several days later [this happened Friday night] I'm still trying to figure out how it happened. One minute I was sitting on his bed and he was sittin at his desk. Next thing you know he's on the bed next to me. Then he was lying down and I was still sitting. Then the light got turned off [not sure how] and I'm looming over him.

I need to stop drinking. Period. Because I have blank spots about that night. I'm pretty sure we didn't have sex, but I couldn't swear on it.

And in my intoxicated state, I'm relatively sure I scared Caleb. I was so rough and out of control. That's not really my style. I usually appreciate sexual aggression in my partners.

Like I said, some spots are fuzzy or missing, but here's what I do remember taking place:

I straddled his waist and ripped his shirt apart. Yes, I ripped it. I distinctly recall buttons flying and bouncing off the walls and onto the floor. Then I took my nails and raked them down his torso. He hissed and inhaled sharply. Thinking back on it, I wouldn't be surprised if he experienced a few moments of real fear.

I licked his nipples and then sucked them until they were puffy, swollen and engorged with blood. Then I bit my way down his chest. In some spots I nipped him playfully and in other parts I bit him hard enough to sting. It was almost comical, because after a few minutes, Caleb was like, "No more biting!"

At one point, he tried to reach for me, but I laced my fingers through his own and pushed them down onto the bed on either side of his head. I had no finesse, no technique, nothing. I went straight for his dick, unzipping his jeans and releasing him from his boxers. I took him into my mouth and sucked. Hard. His cock hit the back of my throat but I didn't even notice or care because I have no gag reflex.

After a while, I stopped and latched onto one of his balls. I sucked so hard he asked me to stop, but I ignored him. Not that he couldn't have stopped me himself if he really wanted to. He's 6'4 and is a little over 200 lbs.

Now, would also be a good time to mention that his dick is huge. I'm not kidding, after a while my jaw was aching. It's definitely the largest penis I've ever seen in real life.

In the end I was a real jerk. I didn't let him come. I just stopped. I let go of his penis and stumbled out of his bed [bumping my hip into the bed post in the process - I had a huge purple bruise the next day], and left.

Things are decidedly awkward. I've seen him a few times since. The first time, he acted totally weird, and I was really worried he hated me and would start avoiding me or something. Cause he's told me [more than once] that he's not interested in me that way. The next time I saw him [last night] was a little bit better. He seemed more like himself, but was still a little standoffish.

I'm not sure what to do. Pretend nothing happened [don't bring it up] and hope things return to normal? Or try and say something, but play it off as no big deal? Apologize for my attempted quasi-rape? To be honest, I'm leaning more towards the first option. I just want to block my behavior from my memory. I'm very embarrassed about the whole thing. It was a bad decision on my part.

Caleb

2006-09-19T05:08:39Z

I'm guessing I prolly don't have any readers left because I'm really random when it comes to my writing.

I often disappear and I'm very inconsistent with updates.

Sorry.

That being said, I sorta have a good reason for why I've been gone. I've been pursuing a boy. His name is Caleb. He's beautiful.

I feel like I'm back in middle school. I don't know what to do. He seems completely uninterested in me on any level other than the platonic.

I'm not myself when I'm around him and he prolly thinks I'm a retard as a result. I open my mouth and only stupid shit comes out cause I'm so nervous.

It's just that he's so hot. And I sorta found out in a roundabout way that "I'm not his type". Apparently, he has a thing for blondes. According to him, he doesn't believe in sex outside of a relationship and doesn't really want a relationship with a non-blonde.

So ... yeah, that's the situation right now.

And for anyone wondering about Matt, he tried to get back together, but I said no. Actually, these past few weeks has been all about my exes. I got a call out of the blue from anoter ex who wanted to "hook up", but again I declined.

I can't even bring myself to look at another guy as long as Caleb is around. And it's pretty sucky because we live in the same building.

"I wanna pee in her butt ..."

2006-08-28T04:46:31Z

I slept with Matt. I really liked it. I really like him.

BUT [and there's always a 'but'], he has recently decided that he doesn't want anything serious.

Now I feel like I never want to see him again. I still haven't decided if my feelings are incredibly complex or overly simplistic.

I'm in the mood to rant/whine, and I have to ask the question, "Why is it so hard to have a relationship?"

I just ... I'm tired. I want to have a boyfriend that doesn't have any issues. I want to be in a relationship that doesn't have any fucking drama.

I want to take a break. Try celibacy. Enjoy being alone. I'm sick of boys and sex and all the random shit that goes along with it.

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Snakes on a plane!

2006-08-19T06:44:44Z

Holy shit. This movie was fucking ridiculous in its coolness. I saw it with Tony tonight and it was AWESOME.

Tony and I saw 'Miami Vice' last weekend. Everyone I know hated it, but I thought it wasn't too bad. The only thing I hated was that actress Gong Li. She sucked; she can't speak English and she can't act. And the movie ended up sorta sucking because of her.

Anyhoo, back to 'Snakes on a Plane'. It lives up to the hype. It's so good ... mere words can't even describe.

I'm currently away on vacation [hence the reason for my recent silence] but when I get back to NYC I'm going to see it again with the rest of my friends.

On the romance side of things, I'm still seeing the other Matt. I've been away for the last two weeks, but he calls everyday and I'm going to see him tomorrow night. At the risk of sounding really sappy, I've gotta admit I feel so "giddy" knowing I'm going to see him soon.

I feel bad for even mentioning this, because a part of me thinks it's too early to be finding faults, BUT ... let's just say I foresee some problems developing in the bedroom in the future.

In other news, I got a brand new ipod nano earlier this week as a present. I've already downloaded 500 songs onto it and I love it.

"I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

-mtm

... who's retarded now?

2006-08-09T04:06:52Z

Tony and I went to see 'Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby'. It was funny as shit.

The weather today was lovely. I love doing nothing. Two weeks seems too short a vacation time.

I've been writing some pretty random shit lately. My work seems to have gone on a tangent and I can't seem to be reign it back in. Alien warriors, futuristic planets ... that sort of thing. I have no idea if people want to read that stuff. In fact, I don't even like to read that stuff so it makes no sense that I'm writing it. *shrug*

What else is new? My shit rarely makes sense.

I went out on a date with a guy named Matt. Lemme tell you, it was definitely weird dating someone with the same name as myself.

He was really nice. Very cute, blond. I've been seeing him around for a few weeks. Gotten drunk and made out with him a few times. He's always shitfaced by the time I get to the bar and he never remembers my name [or he always forgets we have the same name and keeps asking me what mine is]. It was strange finally getting to talk to him sober.

As for 'D' and myself ... well, things are still up in the air. But at this point, it's his move. So we'll see how things turn out.

I was so spaced out, that I actually wrote out 'D's full name in the above line. I was about to hit "Update Journal" when I thought, "Wait a minute, that doesn't seem right .." That was a close call. *gasp* I need to stop drinking.

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Blister

2006-08-03T04:34:39Z

"Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between"

Okay, the lyrics thing is getting to be a habit.

I just had to most amazing potato chips: Herr's Kettle Cooked Mesquite BBQ. Yum.

Spent over three hours on the phone with 'D' tonight.

Still despairing at the heat.

Put on 4 lbs in one week from constant eating. Now my tummy is sticking like an alien is about to burst out of my abdomen.

Looking forward to the weekend.

- mtm

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Shameless Beast

2006-08-02T00:45:13Z

"don't you know I got a key by the three
when I chirp shawty chirp back
Louis nap sack
where I hold'n all tha work at"

It's been a few days.

Nothing really to report.

'D' and I did it last night. It was ... amazing. He held his hand over my mouth as I was coming to stifle my moans. It was strangely erotic.

Other than that, nothing much has really happened. I've been slacking off at work, but that's nothing new.

It's like a hundred degrees and I've been extremely torporific lately, trying to combat a lethargy that I just can't seem to overcome.

Got a call from a friend tonight that made me happy. I haven't had a chance to talk to him all summer so that was nice.

That's it for now.

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Male Wife

2006-07-27T15:43:44Z

Some of you will remember my ex-roommate, Simon. He was a huge asshole ... had a raging crush on Tony ... remember?

Well, anyway, we had a big falling out and I moved out because he was always such a jerk for no reason. I decided to cut him off [and I did] until some months later he wrote me a letter [an actual, physical letter] in which he apologized and explained himself.

It was actually a very persuasive letter because he sounded very sincere. I forgave him and we went back to being on speaking terms. He moved to California, but every once in a while, he still asks about Tony. Last night, for example ... okay, you're all going to think this is really strange, but I can't remember what I was going to say.

Here's the rundown:

1. I'm allergic to nuts. I had to go to the ER around 4:00 a.m. on Tuesday cause I woke up to find both my eyes nearly swollen shut and my throat swollen. I called 911 and found out that I was having an allergic reaction to some cashews I'd eaten. I've eaten them all my life and I'd never had a problem, then one day they nearly kill me.

So, either I'm just a really strong person OR I'm getting ready for a nervous breakdown because after I came home, I just went to bed, woke up later and called the family to let them know about the latest medical emergency in my life and then went to the store to get bread.

I hope that I'm just really good at processing bad things that happen, otherwise I'm just supressing my feelings and one day I'll snap and kill someone [prolly the subletter]. This year, by far, has been the worst in my life [with last year coming in at a close second], but I'm not depressed or even really sad. Of course the pain of losing Sloane is still quite fresh, but I find myself otherwise ... happy.

How weird is that? But even when I'm sick or whatever, I think about my amazing family, wonderful friends, and [relatively] good health [having an allergic reaction is nothing compared to having open heart surgery]. So, bottom line, I have to carry around an EpiPen in case I accidentally ingest anything with nuts or nut by-products. Fun.

2. There's this guy I absolutely hate, and he was at our apartment last night. Ugh. I can't stand this kid. He's repulsive in every way. Personality, behavior, physical appearance - everything. I used to force myself to talk to him, now I don't even bother with the effort.

3. I realized that I might be uncomfortable getting naked in front of someone new. It was never a problem with Dryden b/c he was there when I was in the hospital and when I had surgery, so he knows what to expect. I don't even know how I would begin to explain to someone new why I have so many scars on my chest. I also realized that when ppl see me, the have no idea what I'm hiding under my clothes. Makes me wonder if they'd be so interested in me if they did.

4. I was reading some research some guy at Harvard did on "male wives" [hence the blog title - in case you were wondering].

Matt

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

The Fray

2006-07-27T02:28:43Z

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."

I usually hate it when ppl put up lyrics on their blog, but I really like this song right now.

Tony just informed me that he's taking me away the weekend of Aug. 12th.

My life is always so fucking ... random. So, I said yes to dinner with Dryden b/c Michael was the only person who responded to my post and he said I should accept. AND THEN, I get a call today on my phone from some number I don't recognize and guess who it is? 'D'. Can you fucking believe that?? How did he even get my fucking number? Anyway, he wants to "hang out" this Saturday. Quandry.

Had some friends over tonight [I have friends over every night] and they fucked up my shit as usual. They say I'm anal about my space, but they always manage to move everything around and put it out of place in just a few hours, which always results in me having to clean up after they leave. AND my friend Cassie wore her shoes in my kitchen. Wtf??

All my friends know that the only condition of my friendship is NO SHOES IN THE KITCHEN. Call it what you will - insanity, craziness - but everyone MUST be barefoot when going in the kitchen. She knows this. Everyone knows this. And she broke the rules. So I had to give her a spanking. She's mad at me right now, but she'll get over it.

I have a question, would you guys mind reading a story if one of the main characters is ugly?

Matt the Moderator

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Reasons Why Tony Is The Shit

2006-07-26T00:09:05Z

1. He loves me. Some of you might think that's gay, but he's like blood to me.
2. He can cook.
3. He's half Italian.
4. He let Princess and I use something called 'Veet' on his back hair.
5. He's funny.
6. He's responsible.
7. He likes to work hard, play hard, fuck hard and EAT.
8. He's neurotic.
9. He's messy.
10. He thinks I'm normal.
11. He eats breakfast with me at 3:00 a.m. when I get hungry.

I told Tony I was gonna blog about him and he said, "About fucking time, loser."

He was so angry on my behalf when 'Sloane' got stolen, he offered to get his uncle in Vegas to "take care of my roommate" for me.

Enough of that.

I'm still looking for a blurb writer. If anyone is interested they can contact me.

Dryden asked me out to dinner. Should I go?

Matt

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

yummy yummy yummy

2006-07-25T03:26:52Z

I started work on a new story ... something to do since I don't have any of the programs on this temporary comp.

I wonder if this story is worth continuing. It's called 'The Seduction of Ethan'.

I've got the first chapter done, but no way to get it online.

I couldn't decide what to have for dinner tonight, so I just went without eating. That's how spent I feel.

Alex, I'm sad that I don't GP 11 for you. I wish there was something I could do.

Santa Fe vs. Seattle? What do you guys think?

Matt

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Narf

2006-07-24T03:16:33Z

I'm cold.

I ate too much today.

I have so many things to do, but I'm experiencing this weird sort of paralysis and the shit just keeps piling up.

I'm curious as to what's going on in other people's lives [because mine is so boring at the moment].

Why don't you guys tell me what you're up to? Anything exciting?

Matt

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas

Game Over

2006-07-22T04:48:44Z

Okay,

I'm still mourning the terrible loss of my beloved laptop 'Sloane'. It's going to take me a while to get over it. Really. But I've found that thinking about other things helps to reduce the sadness/anger/upset.

So, Chris wants to know what happened with the guy who wouldn't sleep with me. *sigh* Where to begin?

Well, for starters, we'll call him 'D'. He's actually an entrepreneur and owns two of his own businesses. He's quite a bit older than me, 14 years actually [he's 36]. And he's built like a linebacker. There are muscles everywhere. I can't lie ... that shit kinda turns me on.

The night I met him, I was pretty high. A friend of mine was interested in him and trying to hit on him, but I remember that he was strangely unresponsive to their advances. In fact, he kept turning away from my friend and trying to strike up a conversation with me, but in my drug-addled mind I didn't think anything of it. Although I really should have figured it out because he kept telling me I had beautiful eyes, told me he got the feeling I was "naughty" or something to that effect, and asked me to flex my biceps so he could feel my muscles [to which I replied quiet stupidly, "Don't hurt me." I know, I know. Unneccessarily retarded].

He kept trying to flirt and I kept missing all the signals, until we were getting ready to go home. He just grabbed me [which, btw, I really liked - his arms are so huge and strong], pulled me up against him tight and whispered, "You are my favorite." And then he kissed me. Holy shit, did he kiss me! And he totally felt me up shamelessly in the process, right in front of the bar. I was really surprised at first, but then I was really into it by the end of the kiss and I bit his lip as he pulled back just for fun.

I gotta tell you guys that things like this don't usually happen to me. I get hit on a lot, but usually nothing ever comes of it because I'm too shy [I HATE that] and guys I meet interpret that as aloofness, and they're not aggressive enough to overcome that. And it really excited me that 'D' did what he did.

That's a pretty promising start, right? I mean, I'm not crazy for thinking/hoping that something would come of it, right? WRONG. The next weekend, we went out. I saw him, I went over to talk to him [I made the first move - something I NEVER do] and he was totally standoffish. I'm not sure what happened in the span of one short week, but suddenly he was ... no longer attracted to me or something.

This is where things take a turn for the worse. I'm confused and upset trying to figure out why he no longer likes me, so I overindulge in alcohol and throw myself at him in a drunken [and misguided] attempt at seduction, which he immediately rebuffed. I go home rejected and embarrassed and do my best to avoid him. End of story [so far]. Sorry it's not a happy ending.

The most annoying part is that my friends LOVE the bar where I met him [which, incidentally, he also owns] and they always wanna go there every weekend, so it's awkward. He wasn't there this past weekend [perhaps this is me being paranoid, but I honestly think he's trying to avoid me].

It sucks cause I still think he's insanely hot and even though I know things will be awkward, I'm desperate to see him again. I just want to know why he suddenly stopped wanting me.

Wow, reading this again, I sound even more pathetic than I thought possible, but I won't change the blog because that's how I feel right now and I'd like to remain honest.

Matt

__________________________________

www.geocities.com/matpazcas